A box of cereal in my house barely lasts 24 hours.
People who leave a restaurant with leftovers are quitters.
Laurel or Laurel? I guess we’ll never know. #TeamGoldDress
I asked my wife if she wants a shot of Rumple Minze. She said “forget that I’m not @KoeWetzel.”
My wife found out about my rat hole money. She already spent it.
My wife drives as well with her left knee as I drive with both my hands. And yes it is as scary as it sounds.
Guess who’s trying to kill me again as she drives? #MyWife #BoratVoice
Thank you Helotes for all the love tonight. WE WILL BE BACK!!! Until then, after party @Whataburger.
I’m playing @Floores tonight with @ShaneSmithMusic. Be there or be boring. 9p.
I'm glad I have friends like @TreyGarbers to tell me that maybe Twitter doesn't care that I had a chili relleno for… https://t.co/W5CU09AcGZ